By Abu Onyiani

MUBARAK BALA AND THE ISLAMIC BOUNTY HUNTERS
Contrary to the doctrines of all religions I have studied (and that is actually only 5 by the way), the actions of humans are not governed by Destiny. In reality, we are governed by our beliefs, values, greed, love, promised rewards, and our need to avoid pain and conflict. Please feel free to add to these.
In the case of Mubarak Bala, I’ll say it is greed. Greed because, his enslavers are doing it because they expect their Almighty God to give them an eternally erect penis and 72 virgins in the afterlife.

Make no mistake about this, this is terrorism. This is like a group of people behaving badly in a party, and are locking up, maiming, and killing anyone who dares say “Oh hi, I think you should stop behaving badly”.
Mubarak Bala neither insulted, attacked or burnt the houses of any of those people calling for his head on Facebook, nor did he defile their underaged daughters, or elope with the wives of the group of lawyers who wrote a petition to the Kano state government, even though Mubarak lives in Kaduna. When you notice it was lawyers that actually requested for his arrest, you’ll understand why the entire Nigerian Judiciary is “Desicophobic”. I just created that word to show disgust, and you can give it whatever meaning you want.

What Mubarak merely did was to ask questions, and for that, he may be murdered. The thought of that chills me to my marrow. The truth is, terrorizing people for expressing free speech will stop people from asking important questions, and as a matter of fact, I would have loved to pose a few harmless queries to my Muslims brothers such as, Do we get to choose sizes of our Penises in heaven? Because Lord knows I could use a bigger one. Do we get to explore different depths and angles in search of sexual pleasure? I think I’ll go mad if I listen to these Islamic scholars stating God’s only approved style is the Missionary Position, after 50,000 years? Haaa! And oh, what would we be doing apart from having sex? No video games? No Football? I cannot imagine an eternity without football, and I may be tempted to often sneak to hell to watch my favourite team, The Red Devils. Ah, one day, I’ll look these terrorists in the face and ask them anyway, “all die na die”.

Arresting, attacking or murdering anybody for a crime of blasphemy, is merely to reinforce the person’s blasphemies. You are providing verifiable evidence that your god (whichever that is) is lifeless, hence, it’s creators and worshippers have to act for him. I honestly see no reason for an angry god to sit down in impotent fury, while mere mortals, common sinners are fighting and acting for him. It makes no sense whatsoever.

In a country that ranks high on the league table of corrupt nations, that is the poverty capital of the world, that has the second highest level of paternity fraud in the world, where Education, Security, Healthcare and Transportation are Stone-Age grades, where Fulani herdsmen, Bandits, Boko Haram and ISWAP terrorists, Kidnappers and Armed Robbers reign supreme, it is well within the right of even the most religiously brainwashed idiot to cry, “There is no damned god!”

I shudder to think that this same government recently “rehabillitated” almost a thousand Boko Haram terrorists, yet, they go out of the way to stifle free speech and arrest an innocent Mubarak who merely wrote something that felt like “Hello everyone on my Facebook list, I find the tale that Muhammad flew to space on a magic donkey unbelievable.” I heard they once locked him up for months in a psychiatric hospital a few years ago, claiming “only a mad man can reject islam.” That’s surprising, because in my 25 years of existence on earth, no one has ever called me a mad person.

If I could make a wish to the illegal Sharia court in Kano, I’ll beg them to keep their virgins, and give me Mubarak Bala, not as a favor anyway, because as the great Fela said, “Human Rights na my property, you nor fit dash me my property.”

(c) Abu Onyiani 2020