BY PENOCRAT AYOMIDE UGONNA

Few months ago, a random Prophet Of Doom, who claimed to be a Pastor, barged into my friend’s salon and started ordering us to sow BATTLE SEED, so that he can revoke the curse of death that his ancestors has placed on him and his generation. According to him, if the curse wasn’t revoked, somebody might die in three days. When we asked him how much was enough to send the so called curse parking, he said 100k. Laugh wan tear my leggings. 100k to chase death? Which kain hungry death be dat? Well, Oga Pastor, wherever you are, I hope you read this. I AM NOT WRITING THIS FROM THE GRAVEYARD.

Anyways, I am not surprised. If not for the grace of God, the things we’ve seen and we’re still seeing, is more than enough to make one sign up for Atheism. Spiritual opportunism has become a trend! Just as Jesus prophesied, his house has become a den of thieves! Assistant gods everywhere, demanding for thousands and millions of naira before prayers can be offered to God on your behalf. I’ve walked into churches where pastors advertised special prayers, and ordered those interested in receiving their healing and miracles to make payments into church accounts, and bring their tellers to church as evidence. I kid you not!

Infact, some churches these days have gone corporate, to the extent their ushers now shamelessly move around with P.O.S, and if you’re unguarded, you would be harassed into “Kingdom Giving”. Oh! Did I mention that these ushers are deliberately handpicked? Seeing them alone, you will know they did not come to play. Their sweet mouth no be here. Very good looking professional marketers that confuse your destiny in ten seconds with that same bible you’ve been reading even before they were born. When I asked one of them about the whole P.O.S idea, he noted that the earth was the lord’s and the fullness thereof, therefore God has created every technology for his glory. What will Jesus say about that?!

Religious leaders now make altar calls according to your ‘Financial Muscle’ … 500k prayer dey, 200k prayer dey, 100k prayer dey, 50k prayer dey, even 1 million naira prayer dey. The level of miracle you’re expecting to receive, depends on your pocket. People pay for deliverance, healing, miracles, everything! Anyway I don’t blame them. Nigerians cannot handle simplicity. Everything must be by complexity of drama. Aunty Nkiru a graduate, who drank enough breast milk at birth, doesn’t know that she can sit in her house and connect to heaven. Mba! Until one random ‘spiritual father’ bathes her in a drum of olive oil, bills her 250 thousand naira, shakes her violently and literally sweeps her off her feet with a dirty slap on her forehead plus a “Take it in Jesus Name!” auditory strength, she can never be alright.

Should we talk about tithes? Don’t get me wrong. Tithe if you want to. But when tithing becomes a COMPULSORY way to measure commitment in church, it becomes questionable. How else do we explain tithe cards and registers? Attendances of tithe payers are now taking for the rainy day. Rainy days are those days you might want to reach the pastor for counseling, or inform him about your wedding, baby dedication or burial of a loved one. It will shock you when Oga Pastor will open his tithe register, A.K.A book of life, and find you wanting. That day you go know say ‘clap for Jesus, no be for person with one hand.’

Honestly, Nigerians need to wake up. Spiritual opportunism has become a trend! The name of Jesus has been commercialized!Just as Jesus prophesied, his house father’shas become a den of thieves! What happened to “freely you’ve received, and freely you shall give?’Walahi! This people are con men who steal with biblical weaponry and commercialization of the name of Jesus! All they really care about is their comforts, their pockets and their stomach! Ten out of the richest pastors in the world on Forbes list are Nigerians! Upon all the prosperity they pronounce on us per second, we are still winning the poorest country award. So, what is our gain?

Funny thing, while they milk and molest you religiously, they advise you not to “question the things of the spirit”, and this is what is killing us! We feel spiritual beliefs are just what they are, and therefore should be left that way. But it shouldn’t be so! This so called men of god are becoming God of men! And FYI, a God I can’t question is a God with low self-esteem!News flash:“Come let’s reason together.” That’s what my bible says. So the God I serve, is interested in questions. The Burean Christians were applauded in the bible because they questioned everything!

So let’s begin.Tell me, since Jesus is our perfect example, how many cars did he drive? How many private jets did he own? How many landed properties did he acquire? Did he discriminate against the rich and the poor? Go to some churches today, politicians and wealthy ones are offered front seats, while the rest manage the back. Schools are built from the offerings of the poor members for the benefit of the rich ones. Prayer accounts are now shamelessly brandished. No money, no prayer. Everything has become a cloak of injustice and ambition.

Think about this, Jesus the Good shepherd, fed people in the bible, but in Nigeria, it is the other way round, the sheep is feeding the shepherd. The only time you find these God of men come out to argue, is when some random person says stuff about tithes and offerings.Tell me, aside tithes and offerings, what other matter affecting Christianity, has gained national recognition? Look at Leah Shaibu, that little Christian girl who has been in Boko Haram custody, because she refused to denounce Christ. Tell me, which of these God of men, have come forward to speak on it?

Finally, let me break it down for you in simple English: if your Daddy G.O drives a Bentley or flies a Private Jet, while you’re still dragging kekenapep with me at the junction, just forget it!. He’s NOT your Daddy. You are not even adopted! You’re either an illegitimate child, or an unwanted child. Go and do spiritual DNA to confirm your ancestry. Otedola or Dangote’s kids cannot be caught struggling to survive. Understand?! When they’re sharing sense in Heaven, you’re NOT even on the queue…

Christianity in Nigeria don taya me, I swear!