BY AJIBOLA M. SALAMI

Every first Sunday of the month, for the remaining 4 months of this year, I’d be adapting the Gospel to fit into the whims and caprices of most of the Church Leaders pretending to “represent” God in Nigeria of today.

The 2 major themes would be:*** If God Is A Nigerian.*** What Would A Nigerian Jesus Do?The aim is for us to see the ridiculously ruthless, heartless and shameless level of ‘Monetisation’ that has now infected and infested MOST Nigerian churches (Not all)…

Our text is taking from the Book of ‘Johnson’ chapter 3 verse 16 (New Nigerianized Version): “For God So Loved The World, That He Sent His Only Begotten Son. And Whosoever Sow Their Seeds Through Him, Would Not Perish, But Have Everlasting Life”.

If God is a Nigerian, the Poor will NOT make Heaven. And Salvation will NOT be free. In short, it will be easier for a Camel to pass through the eye of a needle, figuratively speaking, than for a Poor man to acquire a Mansion in Paradise. Forget it!. Ko possible!!. Impossicant!!!. If you’re reading this, and you’re relatively poorer than most people in your church … your sitting position during service today, and the access you have to your Pastor (when compared with the Richer members) should make things clearer to you. This is why anytime a Nigerian Pastor “catches” a Witch, its ALWAYS the daughters, Wives or Mothers of poor people. They will NEVER catch the daughter of Femi Otedola, or the Wife of Bola Tinubu, or the Mother of Governor Ambode…

Let’s take a cursory look at some of the exploits and miracles of Jesus, and then “Nigerianise” them…

His first miracle was at the Wedding at Cana. When Mary came to him with a worried look, explaining that the wine has ran out (A social disaster, especially in today’s Nigeria). Jesus didn’t look Uche face. He wanted to know why the husband has a beard like Talibans. He asked to see the hospital screening certificates of both couples, and most importantly, he demanded to know if the couples are both regular Tithers. Anyways, after more pleading by Mary, he eventually turned the different jars of water into different categories of wine. But there were conditions attached to partaking in the feast … People were instructed to sow a seed before joining in…The more the value of your seed, the better-tasting the wine you are served. No seed, no wine. Also, all unmarried guests who wishes to key into the unmerited favour being enjoyed by this particular newly weds during their own wedding, should come to the front and sow a separate Special Seed…

The above paragraph would NOT look out of place in a Nigerian setting. That is how low we have allowed a few “God’s Of Men” to drag the Gospel. Yes, WE allowed it. Silence means consent. Hear yourselves “Let God Be The Judge”…”Touch Not My Anointed”….”They Are Not Hurting Anyone”…”They Didn’t Force Anyone To Drop Money”…”People Paid Because They Expect More In Return”. The last three defences are NOT Biblical, and can NOT even be found in any other Religious Texts. They sound like what a “Yahoo Boy” would say after getting caught and being interrogated by the Police. Personally, I find just a subtle difference between most Pastors and those Yahoo Boys…one uses a Bible, the other uses a Laptop. Their aims, however, are the same… to enrich themselves, by fleecing others!

Conclusively…Most Christians have allowed themselves to become Tools in the hands of their “Spiritual Fathers/Mothers” (you may replace the letter ‘T’ in Tools with letter ‘F’, if you wish). As I’ve always pointed out: “You Can Do All Things Through Christ, Except Play ME”. I am more interested in redeeming the millions of lives that are being enslaved and misled, than I am about protecting the faux, pseudo-anointing of those Impostors parading themselves as Church Leaders. DEAL WITH IT!!!

Have a great month ahead…